Contemplating Identity

Warning: This is a stream-of-consciousness rant. Read at your own bewilderment!

Why aren’t I asleep? Sigh. This has been an epoch-making season, in a quiet sort of way. Some small decisions, and quite a few larger ones, keep creeping up. It’s the day-to-day stuff, though, that really tests one’s inner resources. Like “who am I, really?” I feel like (gulp) I’m growing up, though some of my thought processes seem to be heading in the direction of abject immaturity as I’m playing, exploring.

Mostly, I’m giving myself permission to feel. Now, I have no problem feeling for my friends, or the world, or weeping openly at “Mercy Seat” as rendered by Johnny Cash ; no, I mean reflecting on and allowing myself to feel in my own life, my own interior space…like, where am I going in life? Do I _want_ to go there or am I being expected to? Need those conflict? I’m thinking, not necessarily, but I haven’t really let myself react out a gut innocence; my every motion is choreographed and contrived by some remote composer deep in my psyche.
…I suppose what I’m saying is, I’ve always been possessed with a rather strong sense of my own destiny, but in that I’ve become too driven, methinks. I’ve become far too bottom-line, and though I talk alot about silence and stillness and resting in the Lord, in reality, by spirit is all but bereft of Being in the present moment.

Last week I told several friends of mine that I feel like the shallow guy in a room full of deep, hurting people. I was sort of thinking about it in a happy sense, like, “at least I don’t have all these issues.” Well, Tori rejoined, “You are wounded, Mike. You have to be. The Lord wounds those he loves and re-mends them in honesty and tenderness. You don’t recognize your own inner woundedness because you’ve become hardened to it.” I think she might be right, though I say this like a character in Philip K. Dick story might: with absolutely no memory, or recollection of why this might be so, but only a gnawing resolve to grope toward the Light.
Thank God for an indwelling Christ. Thank God for a habitat, the ecclesia. And thank God for a whole, big, wide world, bursting with wonder, waiting to greet us.

0 Responses to “Contemplating Identity”

  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Check Out This Free Book Club


Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Abolish Slavery – Join the Movement Today!

  • Friend of Emergent Village

    My Writings: Varied and Sundry Pieces Online

    Illumination and Darkness: An Anne Rice Feature from Burnside Writer's Collective
    Shadows & Light: An Anne Rice Interview in MP3 format from Relevant Magazine
    God's Ultimate Passion: A Trinity of Frank Viola interview on Next Wave: Part I, Part II, Part III
    Review: Furious Pursuit by Tim King, from The Ooze
    Church Planting Chat from Next-Wave
    Review: Untold Story of the New Testament Church by Frank Viola, from Next-Wave


    %d bloggers like this: